Half-Crazy
by Len
Summary: J/D: 6th in the Operation Moss series; wherein we meet Donna's doppleganger, CJ sees the Godfather everywhere, and Josh gets a clue. Finally.


Half-Crazy  
By: Len  
Spoilers: all of season one and up to and including '18th and Potomac'  
Rating: PG-13 for language  
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to be except for those that do. That's pretty logical, isn't it?  
Notes: This is the sequel to 'The Caddell Thesis' and 'To: petertmoss@aol.com' and is 6th in my Operation Moss series. This series includes: 'Yorktown Revisited', 'Hangovers and Hermeneutics', 'After the Bomb', 'The Caddell Thesis' and 'To: petertmoss@aol.com'. You should read 'The Caddell Thesis' before this, otherwise you'll have no idea what's going on...  
More notes: The title and chapter headings are chopped haphazardly from Leonard Cohen's 'Suzanne', one of my favorite songs of all time. It seemed like a good idea at the time... Also, as always, send me feedback and I will send you the finest Jell-O in the land. First posted on the JoshDonnaFF yahoo group. Check it out! If you think I'm weird, you should see the other authors who post on that list...(-:  
  
Part One  
~* ~  
And you know that she's half-crazy  
But that's why you want to be there  
And she feeds you tea and oranges  
That come all the way from China.  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~   
  
It's a beautiful day outside, and yet ironically I'm stuck inside reviewing the details of an environmental safety report. After a while, the deafening silence outside my office gets to me. I decide to take a break and wander around the West Wing, picturing the rolling green hills of Connecticut on which I played as a child.  
  
Let's just forget, for now, that I actually grew up in a city and every time I had contact with grass I broke out into a rash, okay? It ruins my Hallmark childhood memories.  
  
I wish Donna would hurry up and get back from lunch with Davy Boy. I can get her to give me bullet points on the damn report and be done with it. Then I can listen to the inevitable recounting of everything that happened over lunch, go back into my office, and wish I had a little Davy Boy doll to stab pins into. But I'm not the least jealous.  
  
Just kidding. I wouldn't really make Donna give me bullet points.  
  
This planned, I whistle and meander my way back to my office. I'm almost there, too, when an arm pops out of CJ's office and a hand drags me in by my tie. Then the door slams shut behind me.  
  
"Seriously, CJ, try and control yourself," I smirk, "I know you want me, but--"  
  
"What kind of freaking idiot are you?" she demands, slapping me on the head.  
  
CJ has kind of bony hands. "Ow! What's the matter with you?"  
  
CJ goes into her hyper-aggressive mode. "Operation Moss?" she hisses into my face. I gulp and step back. She follows me, until I step back again until I hit her desk and realize I have nowhere to run. Claudia Jean Cregg can be your best friend, or she can rip your heart out. From the looks of things, it seems like today it's going to be the second option.  
  
I try to laugh it off. It comes out as a nervous squeak. "Oh. You found out about that?"  
  
"Yeah. Do you want to know how I found out about it?"  
  
Obviously Sam and I have a leak in our Intelligence.  
  
Hmm. That didn't quite come out the way I wanted it to. "Um...okay," I say cautiously.  
  
"Sam told me."  
  
"HE DID WHAT?!" I say somewhat loudly.  
  
CJ flinches but stands her ground. "Sam told me. Joshua, you are the lowest, slimiest politician I've ever come across. And that, coming from a White House Press secretary, means a great deal."  
  
"SAM TOLD YOU?!"  
  
"Shut up!" CJ demands, clapping a hand over my mouth. I gurgle incomprehensibly for a moment before finally shutting up. "How on earth did you think you could get away with something like that? Notes, Josh! Sam had notes on your entire conversation and was typing them up into a memo when I found him!"  
  
"Oh," I say. I'm a little too dazed to say much of anything else.  
  
"All I had to do was look at him sideways and he spilled the entire story! What do you think it's going to take for Donna to find out?"  
  
"Be fair, CJ, your sideways look is pretty intimidating--"  
  
"Don't change the subject!"  
  
I try for hurt innocence. "I wasn't changing the subject. Sam would never tell Donna. He's not afraid of Donna."  
  
CJ rolls her eyes and collapses into her chair with a sigh. "He damn well is afraid of Donna. You weren't around during her Reign of Terror, were you? Not here, anyway."  
  
Reign of Terror? I can't picture Donna terrorizing anyone--except maybe me. My face must look pretty blank, because CJ clarifies.  
  
"After the...shooting. You do not want to piss that woman off, Josh."  
  
"I piss her off all the time," I argue. Granted, it isn't the smartest argument, but hey, I'm still a little off-balance here.  
  
"With your general, everyday stupidity, sure. This is above and beyond that, even for you."  
  
I'm pretty used to CJ calling me an idiot. She's pretty much the only who gets away with it, though. Well, and Toby. And Leo, too. And Donna, of course. Even Sam...okay, so I'm frequently called an idiot. In the words of Donna, 'Impervious!'  
  
"So you think Sam will tell Donna?" I ask her seriously.  
  
CJ has calmed down, somewhat. She sighs and leans against her desk. "I'm saying you'd better pray to God she doesn't find out, Josh. And you'd better call off this whole sabotage routine--"  
  
"I prefer to call it a rescue operation," I interrupt. She glares at me.  
  
"A pig by any other name is still a pig."  
  
"Did you make that up yourself, or is there a book somewhere that I could buy?"  
  
"Shut up. I have very few qualms about telling Donna about the whole scheme and then letting her beat some sense into you."  
  
Hmm. CJ has a point. CJ now has a tool of blackmail to wield over my head. Speaking of beating sense into somebody, I wonder where Sam is? "But you have some qualms, so that's good."  
  
"Don't aggravate me. These qualms I have are very small, and mostly selfish."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yeah. If Donna finally decided this bit of idiocy was the last straw and quit, I'd have to work with a disaster of a Deputy Chief of Staff."  
  
"Hey," I object, "I wouldn't say _disaster_, exactly..."  
  
CJ gives me an arch look. "Oh?"  
  
I hate being basically honest. "Okay, disaster would work," I admit. And since I'm on an honesty kick, let's just throw in, 'Pathetic', 'Depressed', and 'Ill-Informed', just for fun.  
  
"I know," CJ says "So leave Donna's personal life alone, Josh. You're her boss. And with that in mind let me tell you, from a PR standpoint, this whole pathological jealousy thing--"  
  
"I'm not jealous!"  
  
"--looks _reeeeally_ bad."  
  
I stand tall and look try to look offended. "I am so COMPLETELY not jealous! I think that Dave is a bad thing waiting to happen to Donnatella Moss. In fact, I _know_ it. What's wrong with saving her a little heartache?"  
  
"She won't thank you for it, Josh." CJ looks very sad all of a sudden. I clear my throat and look down at the ground, guilted for the first time.  
  
"I know," I say quietly. "But you agree with me, don't you?"  
  
CJ doesn't reply. She takes her glasses off and rubs the bridge of her nose, not meeting my eyes. I nod and leave her office.  
  
It takes a while for me to walk out the confusion in my brain. Surely CJ, of all people, would have been the first to recognize a bad apple when she saw one? Especially one who is after a member of the Sisterhood?  
  
Eventually I regain my momentum, and breeze past Donna's desk, where she is back from lunch and intently studying the contents of her tote bag. "Donna," I yell from my office, "Get me Frank Walker on the phone, will you?"  
  
"Sure thing, sexy," she calls back. I stop dead in my tracks. Did she just...did I...did she...huh?  
  
"What was that?" I manage finally.   
  
"I said 'Sure thing'. Except that I don't know how to work these phones. And even if I did," she rattles on cheerfully, "I don't know how to contact Frank Walker or even who Frank Walker is, so I suppose instead of 'Sure thing', I should have said..."  
  
During her monologue, I have turned and walked cautiously to my office doorway. I peek around it. There, seated at Donna's desk, is a blonde-haired, alabaster-skinned, long-legged woman of about twenty-eight, with Donna's eyes and Donna's mouth and Donna's hands. She sounds like Donna and even has Donna's weird habit of juggling a pencil. But she is _so_ not Donna. It's about now that I notice the visitor's pass around her neck.  
  
"...but it was really too good to pass up, you know?" the woman asks, finally winding down and looking straight at me for the first time. She looks slightly uncertain, but she also looks at me like I'm a really smelly piece of decomposing seaweed. "Uh...Josh? What's the matter?"  
  
I am in shock. Honestly. I have to lean against the doorframe to keep from falling over. "Who the hell are you?"   
  
Part Two  
~* ~  
And you want to travel with her  
And you want to travel blind  
And you know that she will trust you  
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The Un-Donna looks shocked herself. "You don't think I'm Donna?" she squeaks.  
  
As dumb as I may (very occasionally) appear, I'm not a complete imbecile. The woman seated in Donna's chair is identical to Donna in almost every way. Except not completely identical-because I can tell it's not Donna. Unless I'm losing my mind and it really is Donna.   
  
I'm not making any sense here, am I?   
  
As if to affirm my suspicion of insanity, Sam comes into the little cubical and smiles brightly at her. "Hi, Donna!"  
  
She smiles brightly back. "Hi, Sam!"  
  
I am going crazy. This cinches it. "This isn't Donna, Sam," I object feebly.  
  
"Josh," Sam looks concerned. "Maybe you should take a break---go for a walk. It's a beautiful day."  
  
"I don't-"  
  
"Fresh air would do you good, Josh," the Un-Donna agrees.  
  
I throw my hands up in the air, narrowly missing Sam's head. "I don't need to go for a walk! This woman is not my assistant!"  
  
Sam is silent for a moment. I can almost see the gears turning in his head, and this frightens me. Finally, he says, "Oh."  
  
The Un-Donna cocks her head to one side. "Oh?"  
  
"Oh?" I echo suspiciously.  
  
"Oh." Sam decides. "Donna's not your assistant?"  
  
Plagued, I tell you... "No, Donna is my assistant. This, however-" I gesture at the Un-Donna, "Is not Donna."  
  
"Okay," Sam agrees, looking between the two of us and shrugging. "Listen, Josh-I need to talk to you."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah. Can we-in your office?" Sam nods nervously at the person he thinks is Donna and passes me. I point at the Un-Donna.   
  
"Do not go anywhere," I order. She smiles sweetly and goes back to rummaging through Donna's tote bag. I wonder how Donna would react to that. Last time I went in search of a packet of gum in that bag she almost took my arm off, so... "I'll take that, thank you," I say, pulling it out of her grasp. She rolls her eyes and does Donna's little pouty thing. I carry Donna's tote into my office with me, and slam the door.  
  
"You told CJ," I state flatly.   
  
"I told CJ," he informs me.  
  
"Why did you tell CJ?"  
  
"I didn't actually mean to."  
  
"How can you tell somebody something without meaning to?"  
  
"She gave me a look, Josh."  
  
I'm starting to think that Sam is too nice for this kind of covert op. I need a new conspirator. Except there's really no-one left to conspire with. If I'm not conspiring with Sam, I'm usually conspiring with Donna. And that's probably not the best idea in this particular case.  
  
Sam is still looking vaguely horrified remembering CJ's "look", so I decide that is punishment enough. For now.  
  
I settle into my chair and stare absently at my coffee mug. "CJ doesn't think it's a good idea."  
  
"Really? I never would have guessed," Sam replies. I think he was being sarcastic. I decide to ignore him.  
  
"I don't like the way he treats Donna."  
  
Now Sam looks interested. "Did he hurt her?" he says, eyes narrowing.  
  
"No. It's just there's something--you know how women are always saying that they just _know_ things?" I ask.  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"Why can't guys just _know_ things?"  
  
Sam snorts. "According to the women I've known, we can't because men don't really know anything at all."  
  
"You're not much of a help here, Sam. You know that, right?"  
  
"I do my best. So what's up with you and Donna?"  
  
"Nothing is up!"  
  
"Which is why you are currently denying her existence? Did she get you caught up another of those conversations about Reality?"  
  
I blink. "Huh?"  
  
"That Reality thing. You know, what if nothing here really exists and is merely-"  
  
"Sam..."  
  
"--Because I happen to have a great argument for that, if you want to--" Sam continues blithely on.   
  
"No! She's hasn't been talking about parallel universes again." Let's take a moment to shudder while we remember that stage.  
  
Okay, moment taken. "Was there anything else you wanted to tell me? I mean, aside from telling me you've compromised the operation?"  
  
"Nope. Toby's probably going to want to talk to you later. Something about the President."  
  
Okay, I work in the White House--nearly everything I do is in some way connected to the President. However, the last time Toby wanted to 'talk to me about the President' was after said President had ridden a bicycle into a tree. "Everything okay?" I ask, concerned.  
  
Sam shrugs. "He's been on edge."  
  
"Re-election?" I guess.  
  
"Could be. Right. I'd better go."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
I watch him leave, and listen to him say something to the Un-Donna about her new look. Then I wonder why Donna never said anything to me about having a twin. I mean, that's a pretty significant thing, isn't it? Sure, she talks about her brother and her nieces and she _did_ mention a sister. But she didn't tell me she was identical.  
  
I think back to Joey's little crack about a hundred Donnas. It was somewhat entertaining at the time, because everybody knows Donna is a one-of-a-kind deal. Or so I'd thought. Now, in front of my very eyes, the number of Donnas has doubled.  
  
Which means the whole idea of a hundred Donnas pressuring me to date Joey Lucas is a lot less amusing than it was yesterday.  
  
I take another look at the Environmental Safety report and fight the urge to bang my head on the desk. Interrogating the Un-Donna sounds like more fun.  
  
"Hey, I don't suppose you can type?" I ask, coming up behind her. She jumps.   
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"Can you type?" I repeat. "If you're not going to tell people you're not Donna, and people aren't going to believe me, eventually they're going to start wondering why you're not working."  
  
The Un-Donna mutters something. It sounds a lot like 'slave-driver'.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
She turns big innocent blue eyes at me. "Nothing important. When's Donna getting back?"  
  
"Ha!" I pounce on this and point at the Un-Donna gleefully. "So you admit you're not Donna."  
  
"You never thought I was," she replies.  
  
"True. But Sam Seaborne thinks I've gone off the deep end."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"Is that all you have to say?" I demand.  
  
"I was actually going to point out that from what I've heard, Sam's new assessment of your character may not, in fact, be that far from reality. However, we've just met and I didn't want to be rude."  
  
Okay, I think the Un-Donna's speech patterns resemble Ainsley Hayes' more than they do her sisters'. I blink.  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"You heard me, buster."  
  
Here's another difference-this particular Moss is hostile. If this is what Donna had to grow up with, it's no wonder she can put up with me. Hell, I'm practically the walking definition of hostility. I can play the game.  
  
"Listen, crazy lady, I don't know who you think you are-" I start.  
  
"I'm Donna's older sister. Leonora," she says, with a secretive smile. "I'm guessing she didn't tell you about me."  
  
Someone named their daughters Leonora and Donnatella? At the same time? The mind boggles. "No...she didn't."  
  
Now that I know I'm not really nuts, I notice there are other differences. For one thing, Leonora has slightly shorter hair. She also wears more make-up, and her long legs are wrapped in black leather pants. After knowing Donna for three years, I can confidently tell you she does not own leather pants.  
  
Unfortunately.  
  
Okay, Lyman. Keep your mind in _this_ universe.  
  
"I wonder why?" Leonora mutters.  
  
I smirk. "Are you the evil twin?"  
  
The woman doesn't even crack a smile. So much for the Lyman charm. It has no effect on any of the Moss family, as evidenced by Donna on a daily basis, and now Leonora. There was also one very memorable episode during the campaign when I called Donna's parents and got chewed out by Mrs. Moss. I can't even remember what that was about.  
  
"Oh, is this the infamous Josh Lyman wit? If I'm good and tell people that you're not crazy will you leave me alone until Donna gets here?" she asks.  
  
"Stop pretending you're Donna and you can sit there all day. But this is a serious place-you know, the workplace of the leader of the free world? Important stuff happens here-this isn't some TGIF movie."  
  
Leonora glares at me. I return the look, with interest. But while the two of us are engaged in what I acknowledge to be a rather adolescent staring contest, I catch a glimpse of blonde hair flying down the hall from the direction of the foyer.  
  
"You're late!" I shout at her.  
  
"I'm seven minutes early. Your watch sucks, Josh!" Donna yells back. Her heels click decisively towards us and she rounds the corner to her desk. "And you have to be finished with-"   
  
Leonora stands up slowly from the chair, and smiles. Donna comes to a screeching halt. "Norie?" She squeaks.  
  
"Hey, Dee."   
  
"What-" Donna stops, swallows, and continues. "What are you doing in DC?"  
  
Leonora-Norie? glares in my direction before answering her sister. "When I called last week, you sounded so upset...I wanted to see how you were doing. You know, just looking after my little sister."   
  
Donna paled-something which I didn't think was possible. She looked at me, looked away, and firmly addressed the carpet. "Josh, you have a meeting with the Energy Secretary in an hour." Then she grabbed Norie by the arm and dragged her towards the communications bullpen. I stared after them.  
  
Donna was upset? And now here sister is here? Oh God, what have I done this time?   
  
  
Part Three  
~*~  
There are heroes in the seaweed  
There are children in the morning  
They are leaning out for love  
And they will lean that way forever...  
~*~  
  
"Is this the three minute tour?" my sister asks breathlessly as I tow her away. Away from Josh, anyway. I cannot stress enough how little I want the two of them in the same room.  
  
"This is your last walk, Norie. Enjoy it. Any final words?"  
  
"I think that if you killed me, Mom wouldn't make you that quilt for Christmas."  
  
I ignore this and push her into the Ladies room. "Why are you here, Norie?" I demand, crossing my arms. She looks a little hurt, and I immediately and automatically feel bad.  
  
"I thought you might need me," she says.  
  
Norie is my older sister, by three minutes. And growing up, she was the one who would beat the bullies up, get sent to detention, and always be willing to do it for me again. This is an instinct that has not faded in twenty-eight years. She always shows up when there is blood in the water. Hence my apprehension.  
  
"Everything's fine, Norie."  
  
She says nothing, but gives me a 'yeah, right' look. I ignore it and turn to the mirror, smoothing my hair. Norie watches me for a moment. "So that's Josh, huh?"  
  
"That's Josh."  
  
"He's an arrogant jerk, Donna."  
  
Here we go. "Look, Norie-I wish you wouldn't jump to conclusions like that. You don't even know him!"  
  
"I'm not jumping to conclusions. You told me he was an arrogant jerk when I called you last week."  
  
Augh. That's right, I'd forgotten about that. See, last week was what Josh likes to call "our anniversary". And he insists on celebrating it every year, despite the fact that it makes me miserable. I just see it as another example of the colossal stupidity of youth-mine, in particular. So when Norie called me up at six p.m. that evening, after a full day of Josh "celebrating", I kind of...vented.  
  
I should have known she'd show up to murder Josh.  
  
"I was angry. I didn't think that you'd fly all the way to Washington to beat him up!"  
  
She just smiles and turns to touch up her make-up. "Nah, I was here anyway-I just flew in from Scotland and decided to take an extended lay-over, visit my favorite sister, beat some sense into her boss, meet her new man..." she trails of suggestively. I half expect her to waggle her eyebrows.  
  
Oh no. The inevitable Moss Twenty Questions To Tell If Your Man Is A Loser. Quick-distract her, Donna! "Um, why were you in Scotland? Or should I be asking?"  
  
"Oh, I flew home with Iain. You know, the rock singer?"  
  
Ah yes. Boyfriend number...actually, I lost count of Norie's boyfriends after we started college. I think Iain is definitely in the triple digits.   
  
"Yeah. I remember Iain. Hey," I try for misdirection here, "Did he get that contract yet?"  
  
My sister doesn't fall for it. "You really did sound upset, Donna."  
  
Augh. "I'm fine now. Josh and I talked." I don't tell her that I let something massively stupid slip. Of course, I don't tell her that he did, too. "I think everything okay. So if you want to borrow my key and go hang out at my apartment until I-"  
  
She packs up her amazing array of make-up into a tiny beaded chenille bag that matches her red sweater. "Don't worry about it, Dee. I'm going to stay here for a little while. I want to talk to Josh."  
  
"Leonora-you stay away from him..." I warn.  
  
Norie loses all trace of humor. "Dee, someone has got to stick up for you. I thought that maybe I could get Pete to come down here, but that big dufus said he refuses to interfere unless, and I quote, 'the Kid calls me and wants me to help bury the body'."  
  
Oh yes. My big brother Pete. I knew I could depend on him. Hearing his nickname for me is a small price to pay for his loyalty. "And he's got the right idea," I say earnestly.  
  
"Donna, I'm sick and tired of hearing the latest horrible thing that schmuck has done. I'm going to take care of this, once and-"  
  
Behind us, the toilet flushes. I jump about six feet into the air and CJ kind of falls out of the stall. I have no idea how I didn't see her feet. If I didn't know better, I would have said she was holding them up.  
  
"Uh...Hey Donna," she stops and looks between the two of us nervously. "'kay, I don't have to tell the two of you how freaky this is, do I?"  
  
I smile, Norie narrows her eyes, waiting for the inevitable twin joke. It doesn't come. "CJ, this is my sister Norie. Norie, this is CJ Cregg, the White House Press Secretary."  
  
"I think I have actually seen you on television, CJ. I believe in situations like this, people usually say, 'you look taller on TV'...but I think you actually look shorter..."  
  
The red head forces a smile. "Thanks...I think. Um...it's nice to meet you. Donna never told us she had a twin sister, so this is kind of...you know...a huge surprise." CJ comes forward and washes her hand, but then twists the towel into a knot. She looks a little pale.  
  
"CJ," I say with concern, "Are you okay? Do you want me to get you something?"  
  
Norie too looks a little worried. "Yeah, you look a little uptight. Want the last cigarette?" she asks, digging around in her purse. As I open up my mouth to remind my sister that this is a workplace and therefore non-smoking, CJ pales even more. "Er...no. Thank you. I just remembered I've got a...a thing."  
  
We stand there and watch her rush out. "Oh, and it was nice meeting you, Norie. Um...yeah. I have to go..."  
  
The door swings shut and Norie turns to me. I shrug.  
  
"Must be a busy news day," I say.  
  
Part Four  
~*~  
And just when you mean to tell her  
That you have no love to give her  
Then she gets you one her wavelength   
And she lets the river answer   
That you've always been her lover.  
~*~  
  
I walked back from the Hill, reasoning that if I was going to care three peanuts about environmental safety, I should probably experience the environment at least once this year. It was, I don't mind saying, one of the more brilliant ideas I've ever had. Because it was there, standing at the corner of Constitution and 1st Street, that I had a Flash.  
  
And before you even go to where I'm sure you'll take that sentence, let me explain what a Flash is. My sister Joanie used to get them. She would be staring at something for a minute, and then all of a sudden a light would appear in her eyes, like she just figured out some amazing joke. She said it was inspiration.  
  
Of course, back then, I was too young to know what inspiration was, and so to me, this was just another example of my sister's freakish behavior. I myself have never experienced a Flash until today.  
  
I was standing there on the corner, waiting for the light to turn when I heard some rustling. Turning, I looked at one of the trees that line the sidewalk, and I saw a small brown leaf, left over from last winter, jiggling loose and then falling. And I swear to God, I could hear it fall. Everything else around me faded away, and all I could see was the sound of it floating to the ground. I experienced a stunning moment of clarity.   
  
Donna's laugh snapped me out of it. At least, it sounded just like Donna, except when I looked around there was no sign of her. Life all around me was preceding as usual, completely disregarding the fact that I suddenly understood. Of course, I had no idea what I suddenly understood, but I was certain it was something really good. So what if I kind of sort of told Richardson to install wood-burning stoves in Californian homes, to conserve energy? And so what if the guy actually took me seriously? I was going back to my office, where I would...um...I would...  
  
Hmm. So I hadn't planned that far ahead. But whatever I did, it would be important. Because now I understood.  
  
So that is where I'm sitting fifteen minutes later, when I am rudely interrupted.  
  
"Josh!" CJ comes barreling into my office like a...well, something that barrels. "Where have you been? I've been looking for you for hours!"  
  
"Hours?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.  
  
She looks a little perturbed. "It seemed like hours!" she says defensively.  
  
I look up from my desk. "I was at a meeting with Bill Richardson," I explain. The meeting was pretty much a waste of time, a mandatory heads up for the White House to inform us that there was a power crisis in California. Yeah, I know - news flash.  
  
CJ rolls her eyes. "Well, while you've been playing around the Hill, I overheard a...a plot. Or something."  
  
"A plot? What kind of a plot is it now? Is Margaret trying to take over the country again?"  
  
She strides forward and plants her hands on my desk. She looks very serious, and for a moment I'm afraid that Margaret really has taken over the country. "Josh," she says. "You've got to pull out! Take my word for it - your life is in danger. Norie - that's Donna's sister - she's a very frightening woman. If she find out that you're trying to destroy Donna's love life-"  
  
"Destroy. That's even worse than sabotage, CJ," Sam comments, appearing out of nowhere. He enters and seats himself in my guest chair.   
  
"No, please," I say sarcastically. "Come right in and make yourself comfortable!"  
  
"Thanks," he says. "So here is my plan - Josh, you've got to-"  
  
"No!" howls CJ. "You two idiots haven't heard a word I've said, have you? This little game has gone far enough. I admit that it is somewhat entertaining in theory, because you," she jabs a finger in my direction, "are almost guaranteed to screw it up."  
  
"Hey! That's not true!"  
  
"It's not? Are you actually going to deny that the reason you've done nothing to advance Operation Moss," she sounds like it physically hurts to say it, "is because you know you'll end up with her storming out and throwing her job in your face?"  
  
Well, that just sounds bad. "Um, yeah?"  
  
"Yeah?!" she explodes. "You moron, Donna's family is like some sort of mafia! I was listening to the two of them talk, and it was like falling into late-night HBO!! They sound like the damn Sopranos!"  
  
"I sense that you're upset," I say, for lack of anything better. She rolls her eyes and runs her hands through her hair. Sam, meanwhile, latches onto the least important piece of information offered. "Donna's family is here? How come I haven't seen them?"  
  
"Sam-" I remind him. "The Un-Donna? That's Donna's twin sister Norie."  
  
He grins. "Really? I didn't know she had a twin. Hey, you know what? Donna would look really good in leather pants."  
  
I'm torn between thankfulness that he no longer thinks I'm out of my mind, and annoyance that he actually vocalized my earlier thoughts without sounding like a pervert. He has this infuriating ability to do that. I, on the other hand, get read the riot act by CJ any time I compliment my assistant. I think CJ likes Sam better than me.  
  
"Shut up, Sam," she says. Okay, maybe she doesn't. "Do you know what she did?"  
  
"Donna?" I ask.  
  
"No, the Un - I mean, Norie. She offered me a cigarette."  
  
Sam looks confused. I'm pretty sure I look the same way. "And you don't smoke. You didn't smoke it, did you?" he asks.  
  
"Yeah, don't give into peer pressure, CJ. It's okay to say no," I add.  
  
"Her exact words were, 'Would you like the last cigarette'."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Don't you get it? It's like a code. Haven't you ever seen any Mob movies? I overheard-" CJ's tone is getting higher and higher.  
  
"CJ!" Sam barks. She stops. "You wigging out."  
  
Wigging out? We're going to have to talk about that one...although I agree with his diagnosis. "Seriously, CJ, can you imagine Donna belonging to a Mob family?"  
  
She actually stops and considers this. "Yeah, I guess you're right. It's just - Norie will hurt you if this gets out, Josh. I have no doubt about it."  
  
I give her a tired grin. "Thank you, my daughter. I knew I could count on you for information."  
  
"Shut up. I just want to tell you that if this gets out and becomes even the tiniest thing, I will be right behind her with the bag of cement."  
  
"Okay." We're all silent. Sam looks like he's falling asleep in the chair, and CJ is leaning against a file cabinet.   
  
"This would be so much easier," Sam mutters, "If you'd just admit it."  
  
I think this was directed towards me. "Admit what?"  
  
He rolls his eyes and mumbles, "That you're half-crazy about her."  
  
CJ almost pushes the file cabinet over in her haste to get upright. "Sam..."she says threateningly. Sam looks stricken.   
  
"Oh my God. Did I really just say that out loud?" he squeaks.  
  
Not that I'm really paying them very much attention. I suddenly feel sick - in a good way, though. In that one moment, everything makes sense, everything in my life comes into focus.  
  
I feel a smile starting to spread across my face. "I am," I say out loud, surprising myself. "I really am." I look across to my friends, grinning. "Huh. Go figure."  
  
CJ and Sam look at me with identical expressions of shock. From the doorway, somebody clears their throat. It's Toby. I wonder how long he's been standing there.  
  
"Hey, Toby," I say, feeling ridiculously high on life, "Come on in, join the party."  
  
He ignores this, as he usually does. "Um, Josh," he says quietly. "Leo would like to talk to you. In his office."  
  
I nod. He probably found out about the wood burning stoves suggestion. "'Kay."  
  
He turns to go, and then pauses. "And, uh, I'll...I'll be in my office when you're done. Okay? I'll be there."  
  
Um...okay. Toby doesn't usually inform me of his whereabouts. I wonder what's up with him. "Right, Toby," I say and watch him shuffle out. He looks kind of depressed. He should find someone to be half-crazy about. It does wonders for your motivation level.  
  
I gather up the files I've just gotten from Richardson and start towards Leo's office. I think I'm whistling.  
  
So what if Donna doesn't know that I happen to be half-crazy about her? That will soon be fixed. As soon as I get out of the meeting with Leo, I'll put all my energy into making her see how much more wonderful than Dave Marienetti I can be. I'll sweep her off her feet. 'Cause after all, Josh Lyman doesn't do anything half-way.  
  
  
  
  
The End  
  
To be continued in 'The Hawthorne Effect'   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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